Problem candy gummy bears: haribo does not make happy

Adults force poor children’s souls to stuff colorless gelatine casts down their throats. But gummy bears make you stupid!

One bear attack follows the next Photo: Niggl/photocase

Kids aren’t as dumb as you think. They have a fully equipped perceptive apparatus, can walk straight ahead without making mistakes, and have the sun hissing through their ears. Adults do not realize this. The adult follows the principle: My child’s name is Hare, he knows nothing about anything. The adult simply does and says; everything against which the child does not explicitly protest will have been correct.

Thus it comes that it is meant, one can cheat children of the most abnormal facts. And even more: They even like it. Everybody likes children! It is then said when the child refuses to "grab the sausage". When it suddenly gets fed up with dirt blocks on mud bath day at summer camp. When it torches the Labrador it never wanted as a gift.

Gummy bears are also such a deviant circumstance. They are considered a classic children’s food. Thereby the crowd of the human mini worms, in whose proximity they are brought, divides as follows: Into those children who naively buy into this self-fulfilling prophecy, thrashing their way to the juiciest glittering stuffing box, euphorically slurping up the gummy lubber because they actually believe that what’s there is something great, that good is happening to them.

And just into the other children, who can only be offered the spit-colored gelatine casts, because everything else has already been cleaned out. Determined – and secretly happy – they refuse, but in doing so they no longer arouse pity, but incomprehension in the adult offerers. What? But all children like!

This text comes from the taz am wochenende. Always from Saturday on the newsstand, in the eKiosk or immediately in the weekend subscription. And on Facebook and Twitter.

And so it goes on, week after week, bear attack after bear attack. The greater the lack of understanding on the part of the big candy invaders, the more certain the little gum-droppers become that their hunch was right: what they’re pushing down their necks should never see the inside of a mouth.

To recognize the "trends," says an article from 2002, the aged gummy bear magnate Hans Riegel junior, personally reads Bravo. Even if that’s not true: Can it get any creepier? Gummy bears are a light-hearted, cheerful food, for children – and for the child in the adult: That’s a lie. Gummy bears gum up the stomach. Their degradation products accumulate in the kiddie gland, which is in the brain and can burst, and when that happens, you have to watch the children’s channel forever, and Super RTL and Nickelodeon at the same time. You will no longer be happy in your life.